Hard Drive and Hard Times:
Next Forza Projected to Sell Significantly More Copies Due to Assassin's Creeds Fans Sudden Interest in Races.
New Nintendo Baseball Cap Not Backwards Compatible.
Amazon Studios Already Remaking Season 1 of Fallout with Improved Water Textures.
Toy Story 5 Plot to Involve All the Toys Being Replaced by the Family iPad
Kindergarten Basketball Team Trophy Revoked as Hoop Wasn’t Regulation Height
EA Relieved the Media is Focused on Their Microtransactions and Not the Death Star They Are Making
NCAA Worried That Paying Male and Female College Athletes the Same Wage Will Give Them Unrealistic Expectations About the Real World
Stranger Things Voted Most Accurate Portrayal of How Much it Takes to Get a White Family to Move
Comedian and Actor Keegan Michael Key Changes Name to “Vegan Michael Key” After Witnessing an Inspiring PETA Presentation
New Feature in Self-Driving Cars to Honk at the Car in Front of You Immediately When the Light Turns Green
“Isn’t it About Time a Woman Walked Into a Bar?”, Feminist Comedian’s Bold New Take on an Old Classic
Gym Bro Evolves Into Their Final Form and Becomes a Personal Trainer
Tom Brady Finally a Free Elf After Another Player Tossed Him a Towel
Rock Band Phish Late to Concert After Getting Caught in Six-Pack Ring
Man Accidentally Presses Flight Attendant Call Button, Has to Fake a Heart Attack to Justify It
Despite Wearing a Black T-Shirt Every Day for a Year, Low-Level Software Engineer Still Hasn’t Invented the Next Facebook
XFL Struggling to Even Get as Many Concussions as the NFL
Band Brings Audience Back Out After They Did a Great Job Applauding
Tesla on the Bleeding Edge Again With Their New Line of Passenger-less Cars
Disney Creativity Department Head Revealed to Be a Bunch of VHS Tapes in a Trenchcoat
Class of 2018 Students Still Paying Of Their Loans to Attend the Electoral College
Due to Copyright You Can No Longer Sing Happy Birthday to Yourself While Washing Your Hands
Punk Band Disbands After What Turned Out to Be A Phase After All
Aspiring Comedian Inspired by Joker Movie, Takes Up Dancing
Punk Investor Preferred DOW Jones Earlier Stuff
Handyman Points Out That the Low Whining Noise is Just Your Roommate
Economist Explains to AC/DC What You Do For Money
Drummer Never Reads Before Book Club, Says He’ll Just Follow the Frontman
Coronavirus Reaches 400,000 Confirmed Cases of Killing Employees’ Motivation to Do Anything
Barista Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Mugs
Fornite Adds Poochie the Dog to the Game Because Honestly What do Kids Even Like These Days?
Progressive Man Wears “Flatten the Curve” Shirt in Lieu of “No Fat Chicks”
Batman Villain Calendarman Can't Decide if He Wants to Name His Kid Greg or Ian
Scientists Finally Discover How to Solve a Problem like Maria
Friends to Reboot with a Season in Which the Friends Talk About How They Should Hang Out Sometime Then Never Do
Child Services Stepping in After Kratos Failed to Upgrade Atreus’s Bow at All
Living Room Clutter Finally Gets Promoted to Closet Clutter
Poker Player Unsure if He Should Fold Hotdog or Hamburger Style
Punk Worried the Establishment Isn’t Doing Enough for Them to Even Disrespect Anymore
NPC Cat Hopes Druid Runs Out of Spell Slots for Speak with Animals Soon
Hospitals Hiring Heath Ledger Joker Nurses, Mixed Results
Washington Post Changes Slogan to “Democracy Dies If You Use An Ad Blocker”
Wizard World Releases a New Batch of Puzzles and Quizzes for the Annoying Ravenclaws in Your Life
Hospitals Employ Nascar Pit Crews Who Can Change a Patient’s Bed in Half a Second
Despite Shelter-in-Place Being Lifted, Local Dad Still Won’t Open Up
Nursing Home Sends Out Survey About 8 Tracks to Find New Residents
Babylon Bee:
Worship Leader Introduces Same New Song Every Week For a Year, No One Notices
Sunday School Decides to Skip the Songs of Solomon
Baptist Church Experiences a True Miracle When the Congregation Actually Claps to the Beat of the Song
Baptist Church in Trouble for Skipping “What a Beautiful Name” One Week